A Vampire’s Guide to Living with Themselves

Roux Bedrosian


Hello, and welcome to eternity!

There are two things you ought to remember right from the beginning. One, you are still human. Yes, you’ve changed. You may look different. You certainly feel different. But, beneath all that blood lust and hunger, the insatiability, the impulsivity, the swift rush of sudden power, and the unprecedented, indescribable pain of a sunny afternoon – deep in the core of you, you are what you were. Not a bat or Bela Lugosi, but human. Imperfectly, foolishly, overwhelmingly human.

Two, no one will ever believe that.

Promptly abandon any hope that they will listen when you tell them, whether in line at the grocery store or on your way to the pyre. They won’t hear your pleas for mercy, either, over their proverbial torches and pitchforks. This your very first lesson – don’t try to explain yourself. You cannot reason with fear. You’ll only speed up its transition into hatred, and that’s what gets you killed. That, or a poorly positioned fence post, loosened at its roots and splintered near the top.

Lesson two is simpler, yet many tend to falter here. Plainly, you need to eat. There are no ifs, ands, or moralities about it. If you don’t eat, you don’t survive (you’ve already died once; do you really want to again?). Anyway, this shouldn’t be new to you. The menu’s changed, but the instinct hasn’t. So, eat. Eat well and often and, in this day and age, with exquisite manners. Use napkins. Beg pardon for any audible bodily functions. Save room for later. And, above all, always remember to thank the cook.

Three, get comfortable with darkness. The sooner you forget the warmth of a cloudless day on your skin, the better. Take up a few hobbies instead. Fireside reading. Candle making. Jigsaw puzzles. A pornography addiction. If you’re feeling ambitious, attempt to keep a Staghorn Fern alive. Whatever it takes to keep you occupied, and to pass your daylight hours safely and meaningfully. Note – avoid whittling and tanning for obvious reasons. And Game of Thrones seasons 6 – 8, for less obvious reasons.  

Lastly, invest in a comfortable mattress. One, you are worth it. Two, coffin sleep is a dated myth and a detriment to your spinal health. While your options are numerous, Serta makes a lovely, budget-friendly memory foam while Purple is going viral on the internet.

In closing, it is normal to feel anxious at the start of your vampirism. Many have no idea what to do with themselves at the beginning of immortality and are thoroughly misinformed by popular media. Just do your best to remain calm and to take things one day at a time. Also, cleanliness is next to godliness – or, in your case, potential acquittal. Be sure to clean up after every meal.

Best of luck on your journey. Remember – it doesn’t all suck.




Roux Bedrosian is a New Jersey based musician, a lifelong creative writer, and a distinctly amateur adult. They hold a BA from Rutgers University, where they studied nothing about the art of writing. These days, they spend much of their time indulging in all the artistic endeavors that guidance counselors, former friends, and conservative relatives at unpleasant barbecues advised them against. In their fiction writing, they often enjoy exploring macabre topics through humorous, romantic, and absurd lenses. As an avid fan of horror, they seek out similar twists within the expansive genre as both a reader and viewer. At present, they have two cats, a growing collection of vinyl records, a handful of true-to-life ghost stories, and no regrets.