Say You’ll Haunt Me

Josh Smith


How quickly things escalate:

– Robot
– Funky Chicken
– Macarena

I even laid down cardboard.

It was just last week I danced across your plot,
but there was more to be done.

Last night I took a piss on your grave.
I drank a gallon of water for the occasion,
to ensure the stream would penetrate far enough,
dripping like torture, or the worst flavor of coffee.

have brought us to this final checkpoint.

Tonight I have for you, a hired hand.
I won’t tell you where I found her,
however I can tell you what’s about to happen.

After I dig, she’s going to pry apart that casket,
stretch open your jaw, and shit directly into your gaping mouth.

But before I tire out my arms,
before I hand over the fifty bucks and two loose cigarettes,
I’m giving you one more opportunity
to make this easy and give me what I want:

say you’ll haunt me.



Josh Smith has a career held together by spit, duct tape, and whimsy. No one else on Earth has both a Harvard education, and a pair of Iffy Awards for Best Hair.