Things Men from the Internet Say to Me on Dates

stephanie athena valente


You’re so young.

I’m so glad you’re not dead.

Can we split this?

We should climb a mountain.

I’m neurotic, I want to know what you think.

How would you feel about becoming the governor’s wife?

Well, in a few years, you might be incapacitated. With babies.

I never told anyone this before. Not even my ex-wife.

I want to give you ten thousand dollars. I want you to be happy.

Let’s get married. Right now.

I’m a feminist. You didn’t think I would pay for dinner, did you?

We would be great at being rich. Spend it all on spas and shit.

I think…the sluttier, the better.

Sorry I flaked out. I had a kitten emergency.

I just want to date your hair.

Stay with me.

It’s official: you are a fox.





Stephanie Athena Valente lives in Brooklyn, NY. Her published works include Hotel Ghost, waiting for the end of the world, and Little Fang (Bottlecap Press, 2015-2019). She has work included in Reality Hands, Maudlin House, and Cosmonauts Avenue. She is the associate editor at Yes, Poetry. Sometimes, she feels human.