What I am Hungry For

Kate Polak

 

            For Cancer

For hunger without

                desire. For

it to drip down my throat.

 

For that third

                slice of pizza.

That fourth drink.

 

All of the smoked

                almonds

in the bag, and a pack

 

of cigarettes besides.

                Give it

to me. I want it

 

on the inside. I want

                hollandaise.

I want to never have

 

to eat again. How clean

                it feels eating

that salad at lunch:

 

a side of fruit, sparkling

                water and

a breakfast of nothing.

 

How I hate that tidiness—

                of my body,

of the things I flense

 

to fit in the seats that

                were made for

me. How I love that

 

tidiness: being small and being

                praised for it.

When I stop to feel

 

the roundnesses in me

                it’s a feeling

not unlike pain.

 

***

Kate Polak is an artist, writer, and teacher. Her work has recently appeared in Plainsongs, McSweeney’s, So to Speak, Barzakh, The Closed Eye Open and elsewhere. She lives in south Florida and aspires to a swamp hermitage.