alexandra weiss
because i didn’t know how else to process the news that i have a genetic
predisposition to cancer
because i went from being home on summer break and
turning 22 and pre-med to
having a mastectomy
and suddenly everything felt fake and terrifying
fell casualty to the earthquake and
with nothing standing between me and the anesthesia
and the scalpel and the loss of my
breasts and the loneliness of it all
when we parked outside a magic shop on our way to get some persian food
i thought that maybe this would help like music in the dark would help
like listening to ke$ha on the way to the doctor helped
and so i went in and got a big black candle and a crystal that the
little card said stood for change and transformation
and then the night before the surgery i sat in the dark
pouring all of my fear about my dead aunt and my
bad luck and the cancer center and what if i’m never sexy to anyone
with all these scars and what if i don’t wake up after
into a matchbox with a bunch of herbs from the kitchen
that the internet said were metaphors for safety and survival
and sealed it with wax and brought it with me to the hospital
***
Alexandra Weiss studies literature on death at UChicago. She loves Halloween and her pepper plants and has been previously published in Haggard and Halloo, Cadaverine and Another Chicago Magazine, among others.